It's a HUNG WEINER!
What we don got here is a hung wiener…..not a humm dinger…a HUNG weiner.
A what? (you ask?)
A WINGER DINGER! Your winger hangs low….for all to show….
Still don’t get it?
A STREAKER! A NAKED GUY! A BOOTY FLOPPIN EXOBITIONIST! FROM PAKISTAN!
This job never gets old.
I knew that boy was trouble….or was he?
The start was a bit rocky….for me and for him. When cultures clash, yes…there may be some misunderstandings.
I got an email from an excited student from Pakistan that wanted to get as much information to start his exciting trip to Chicago. After a few emails, he bought his ticket on greyhound. Problem # 1….he booked for the 3rd of March. Check-in is usually after 5 p.m. on the THIRD of March. He states that he will be here at midnight. I’m thinking…ON THE THIRD OF MARCH….NOT THE SECOND!
While I was wrapped quite snuggly in my pjs in a warm bed on the SECOND of march, I received a call at 10 p.m.
“Hello Annie. My bus is delayed by 3 hours. Do you think you can pick me up around 3 in the morning from the Greyhound downtown?”
I looked at the phone and thought….is it the THIRD? OF COARSE NOT! Then what was he talking about? How could he know that his bus will be 3 hours delayed tomorrow? These questions were racing thru my head. Then he called again. Sure enough, when he booked the third of march, he was taking full advantage of the 3rd. He bought the bus ticket to arrive on the SECOND of march, arriving at MIDNIGHT….TECHNICALLY MARCH 3rd! Did I just get handled by ‘fast track Willy’?
By the time 3 p.m. came around, I told him to take the cab. Fortunate he got a taxi driver from Pakistan who didn’t take advantage of him and charged him the same $20 I would have.
When he arrived, all the guest were sleep throughout the house. So I kept the lights off while greeting him in.
“IS THE LIGHTS WORKING?” he yelled out ….perhaps excitingly or rude….I couldn’t tell….not at that time in the morning.
“SHHHHHH….everybody’s sleep”, I replied.
After I showed him around in the dark quickly, I told him I’m going to bed. We were definitely going to be having a talk.
While I was sound asleep in the back room, Both Mississippi 1 and Mississippi 2 told me a strange story.
“Nonya, uhhhh, your guest….”
“Yeah?”
“He undressed in front of us.” They replied.
I’m thinking ok….nothing unusual since he is sleeping in the living room on the air mattress. But I will let him know maybe he can dress somewhere else.
“No…you don’t understand. He UNDRESSED RIGHT IN FRONT OF US”…
Still confused and seeing the puzzlement on my face….
“HE GOT NAKED. He took all his clothes off and walked to the bathroom….NAKED”?
WHATTT???? MY GOD NOOOO!!!!
Before I go on, my reaction would have been differently….perhaps lets say….he was a Chippendale hunk! But this was a very thin guy that pjs hang low like a sagging diaper.
If your calvin klein underwear do not cup the butt of your cheeks, then DO NOT REMOVE YOUR CLOTHING.
If no women has looked at you as if you were a hot piece of meat….DO NOT REMOVE YOUR CLOTHING!
If your BUTT hangs low like bad shingles on the rim of house blowing in the wind….FOR PETES SAKE….KEEP YOUR CLOTHES ON!
THIS WAS NOT THE CASE with our little friend here. The image of him walking thru the house with only his birthday suit ……well…..the images will be hard to remove.
I asked the girls if they saw ‘everything’, they both said they looked away….they couldn’t watch.
So later that day, when he came back from his city tour, I told him that there are a few things we’re going to have to discuss.
“Pakistan, there a small rule I’m going to have to tell you. No nakedness in the living room.”
He was like, ‘what?’
I said, ‘the girls told me that you got undressed in the living room naked.”
He said, ‘I had a towel on. I wasn’t completely naked. I had on my underwear”
I said, “they said that you were naked. Just change in the bathroom”
He replied, “but its so small in the bathroom”
I’m thinking, my grandmother was 300 pounds and it was room for her. You’re about 10 pounds….that room is a suite!
So I then told him, “alright, there is another room in the house that isn’t taken. You can change in there. But no naked boy ok?”
Then he said something surprising….
“So they didn’t like it? Did they like what they saw?” he asked with a funny smirk.
WHAT?? SO YOU WERE NAKED!
Taken back, I stammered for words at first because there was soooooo much I wanted to say…where do the jokes began and end with this one! But I could hear even Sybil, my evil twin, speakin in my ear saying, ‘be nice! BE NICE! This is too easy!” The conversation WOULD HAVE started off like this, “H E DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS NOOOO!!!!
So I looked at him and said, ‘They are not those kind of girls and this ain’t that kind of house.” Thinking too, isn’t there something in your Pakistan religion that prevents you from showing your crown jewels in front of women? Perhaps to save yourself for the 7 virgins or something? Sneaky boy.
In some ways, he seemed soooo sincere, so innocent about what he believed and did that it was hard for me to separate if he was being over presumptuous, rude and crude or was he really that truly naïve. After all he was only 20.
After talking with him over the next couple of hours and sharing some of the culture, even a local dance that he had displayed on youtube, I had came to the conclusion that the boy is actually very sweet. HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?
I literally went from wanting this boy to KICK BRICKS, DON’T LET THE DOOR HIT YOUR BEHIND to wanting to taken him to a hidden door to opening his eyes of a whole new world!
The streaking stopped. I placed him in another room. Even the other guest like him as well, even taking him to the train. So in the end….you really never know. But for those with bodies of a greek god…..don’t worry….I wont be that hard on you! Heheheehe
After his adventurous days in the city, he actually left a very sweet recommendation. He was nearly in tears when he was about to leave. The last night, I was in the kitchen cooking chicken when suddenly I was overtaken by a strong smell that nearly made me bent over and gag. I hadn’t even been drinking. So when I confirmed it with the other guest, they were like, ‘somebody gotta tell him before he ride on that 12 hour bus ride back home’.
At first I was trying to gather my thoughts but the smell literally put me out like passing gas. So I said, ‘I got it! I’m going to Fabreeze him!” After all, those commercials had worse situations right?
So I went into the kitchen and stood beside him and said, ‘Oh man….I’m going to have to take the garbage out but let me spray it!”
So I frantically started spraying the garbage and tried to sneak a spray in at his butt without him looking. But the smell was beyond powerful. I found maximum strength that could change Fabreeze’s whole game plan. They hadn’t smelled nothin yet and I had the Fabreeze MAX. The other guest said that they could even still smell it from the other room.
We even tried to talk Big Texas, an 6 feet tall 250 pound African American giant from Texas, to say something to him. But to no avail.
So then I went back into the kitchen and said to him, ‘Pakistan? You know , it is going to be a very long trip back to Indiana. Perhaps you should give me your clothes so I can wash them, you take a nice shower to get refreshed and we go to to the store to pickup something for you to eat?”
His reply? “No Annie. I’m fine. Its ok! I’m clean and I’ll be fine.”
“Are you sure? Cause its going to be 12 hours on that bus?” I replied
“No, I only had one pair of pants and they are clean.” He replied.
REALLY??? Do I have to hog tie him into the bathtub and hose him down? Because he was soo nice oddly enough, I didn’t want him to get on that bus and people start to screaming at him because of who he was! Another stereotype to overcome!
So after no success, I had to go to the store and I asked the other guest did they want to come with me. They said no …they didn’t need anything…..but he yelled from the kitchen, “I want to come!”
OH GOD!!!!!
My first thought was that my car was not equipped to handle that smell. But like an idiot, I said ok.
So on our way out to the car, I said, “ Pakistan, listen….don’t take what I’m about to say as being mean or take it the wrong way. But I think you need to take a bath before you go. There is a big odor coming from your clothes….”
Before I could finish, he yelled out, “NOOOO annie!!!! It’s ok!!! Its not me!!! Its my feet!!! I knew you were thinking that when you first tried to spray me with that spray and then offer to wash my clothes! It was my socks! SEEE …”
Before I could tell him NOOOOOOO…..he took his shoes off in the car and put his feet up at the dashboard, “YOU DON’T SMELL IT DO YOU?”
I didn’t. Could it be?
He continued, “After you said to take a bath, I knew it was my socks so I took them off and put them in a plastic bag. They don’t smell.”
After realizing there was no smell, and I wasn’t found dead in my car from the lack of oxygen, I realized it was his feet and I was still alive! We both laughed! It was his feet. I was like, ‘MAN THEY STANK!!!”
It was times like this that made me realize that he had a sense of humor to laugh at his own quirks and go with the flow. He didn’t take it serious as an attack against himself. He was willing to make changes. And he was quite funny in doing so. I actually missed that quirky crazy boy. He had a way of laughing at himself and his ‘misunderstanding’ of things that the other guest said or did which he didn’t understand. For that, at the end, he will be missed!
Next….the bunny rabbits from school break!
