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Thats the FIRST & LAST time I take in a local! I just got back from flagging down a cop to have this crackhead removed from my car!

I had a BAD feeling when this crackhead came to the door. His sweet cousin from Somolia stayed with me for four days. He was absolutely no problem. So after his stay and 100 box of toilet paper as a gift, I told him that anytime he need to come back, feel free. He had gotten an apartment. So it was to my surprise when he came back after a couple of weeks with his cousin. Cousin Acewhole.

When they were at the door, and he stated that this was his cousin and he needs a place to stay, my first question was, 'why can't he stay with you?'. He stated that the building would only allow his kids to come when they visit him and no one else.

Before the sweet guy could continue, Cousin Ace abrutly said, 'I stay anywhere, on the floor, any where, any where' while jumping around like a hype. That threw me off guard and i didn't like it then. Immediately, I looked at him and said, 'Sorry but i'm completely booked'. If he didn't open his mouth, I would have probably let him in. But i told his cousin, 'look, everything is booked until NEXT Tuesday. So maybe then'.

Even then I said it, I was thinking, 'hades no'. This was on a Tuesday.

Thursday came, doorbell rang. He came to the house by himself and begged to stay and 'he pay he pay'. I had a cancellation and said ok. He stayed on the floor in the living room but complained it was too many people talking and he wanted a bed. I told him, 'i told you, theres no space and you said ok."

I asked where is his bags. He said it's at his cousins. But there was no bags....only a Jewels plastic bag with maybe 2 shirts.

On the first day, he starts the drinking marathon. Steel Reserve of choice, followed by constant screaming in his sleep. The next day I told him about the screaming and he stated that the screaming only occurs when he drinks. He promised to stop. Yeah....right. The next day, he didn't take any drink. So the sreaming was minimum.

Friday night, he was behind on his payments by 3 nights. He said, 'i got you i got you. I get paid tomorrow.' Now I don't know what fairy dust he was taking but 'Tommy aint got no job' where was he going to get paid from? Saturday.....he didn't even come home. Sunday....nothing. Sunday at 1:30 a.m. he tried to come in with the key. I just happened to be at the door when he came. He paid $40 and was short $12 and yet he managed to buy a case of beer. And thus the screaming started again.

So the next morning, I told him we need to talk. I took him to the basement. I said, 'you're going to have to leave by the 27th. Your screaming is just too much and i'm loosing money because I can't put guests in the living room. So what i'm going to do is allow you to stay until the 27th for free but after that you have to go.'

So what do he do? He takes a walk down the block, purchases MORE BEER at 10 in the morning. He drank ALLLLLL DAY! NO FOOD!! At least 3 Steel Reserves and some other beer. You got money for liquor but not my money.

I knew at this point, the screaming was going to be bad. But like one of those dumb girls in the movies who walks down a dark alley for a night stroll believing that nothing will happen....well that was me. I hoped among hope that there would be no screaming.

At around midnight, I'm upstairs, got LOUD ear phones in my ear listening to my computer and i hear this screaming. I was about to get up when the other guest came upstairs to get me. EVERYBODY was up. The pitch was unbearable. So i woke him up and told him to "look around. You have everybody up! So tomorrow, you have to go. You can't stay here."

I'm not going to explain to you 'why' when I already talked to you about your drinking and screaming. If its been established that its your drinking....then don't drink! So the next time I have this conversation, its going to be while you're on your way out the door.


He's sitting in the living room STIlLL DRINKING! It's 10:30 a.m.

I said, 'when i drop these girls off, you got to go.' He's like, 'I got to go to work at 3.' I said, 'thats nice but you can't stay here.'

11:30....five minutes before we had to leave...he has a more spacey look in his face. He tries to take the beer in the glass at which i told him, you got to leave the glass. So he digs in the garbage for an empty plastic bottle to put his beer in. But taking his slow sweet time.

So I'm thinking, this is not going to be a good day. While he is slowly packing his plastic bag, I go to kitchen in my cutlery section of the dishes to pick out my weapon of choice. I pick up an assortment of knives. But after a few minutes, I put those down and think to myself, 'i can take him'....

My weapon of choice? A FORK.

I stick a fork in my side. 'Death by Fork'....that's what I wanted the news report to say.

"Lets go!" I tell him. Reluctantly he's putting his things together. I tell him, 'hurry, I got things to do."

On the porch, he pulls out some business card and says, "I need you to take me to this address...85th & Stoney Island". I told him no because it's too far. I'll take you to Stoney but you are on your way from there." So I tell him to get in the front seat and the girls to get in the back. I'm not stupid. The last time somebody came here (CW) and said she wanted to sit in the back, my first thought was "so you can take me out from behind?" I saw way to many serial killer movies to fall for that crap.

I drop the french girls at the train stop and me Cousin ACE is in the car alone. We get to 63rd and Stoney and I told him, theres the bus, now get out. He refused to go!

He kept insisting to do him a favor and take him 2 more blocks. After saying no several times, I went 2 more blocks down. But when we got to the corner there, he says 2 more. I said no. I told him you got 5 seconds to get out of my car. He wanted me to turn the corner and drop him off. I'm thinking, 'you really think i was born yesterday.' Now you want to go to some place off the main street so you can bop me in the head. On top of that, he was constantly looking in the back of the car for something and digging into his pockets. But he wouldn't budge.

So after about 10 minutes I turn the car around and tell him if you don't get out of my car, I'm taking you to the police station.

I start driving and i see a cop car coming my way, i start honking my horn. The cop didn't catch it. But he grabs my steering wheel and shifting my gears. I told him to get his 'F***n hands off my wheel' and started going off. But he wouldn't let it go. So I manage to put the car to the side while he's still holding on. I turn off the car and get out. He get out and start walking around the car to my side. Im constantly trying to see a cop but none was there. So while im on the passenger side, I put this things out of the car on the ground....lock the car quickly because at that point he was on the drivers side trying to get into the car.

After about 15 minutes going around and around the car, with my fork in my hand, he's like, 'thats not going to do anything to me.' I smirk, waving my fork side by side saying...'we'll see about that'.

I managed to calm the situation a little to buy me some time to locate a cop by saying, "give me your cousins telephone number. If he can give me an address I will take you there." But he didn't have no address. Then i said, I'll give you $2 for the bus...he was like, 'ok'. But thats when I saw a cop coming and IMMEDIATELY FLAGGED THE POLICE DOWN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET.

No jail time for me today! Whoo!

The officer asked what was going on. I told him, 'I was trying to give him a ride to his cousin but he refuse to get out of my car.' After explaining what happened, the crackhead says to the cop, "i pay $13 a night. She has this place where people from everywhere stay at her home...pakistan, china, white black.." I interrupted, 'those are my relatives'. So then he continues, "She owes me $2,000".

At that point, when he said that, I said, 'oh wow, really?' Of coarse the cop didn't beleive that either.

After he separated us and had me stay in my car, he came and asked me if he's any relative to me. I said absolutely not. I said that his cousin stayed with me and i was doing his cousin a favor by letting him stay a couple of days. But now I know why his cousin didn't want him to stay with him.

The cop asked, 'So you have a fork?' I said, 'Yeah. I thought to bring a knife but I knew i can handle him with a fork.' The cop had a laugh. After the cop got my story, took my information, he then said, 'you're free to go'. Then he called for back up and put the cuffs on the guy and they went off into the sunset.

So that my dear boys and girls brings me to rule number 1...NEVER TAKE IN A LOCAL! Always make sure that your first time guests book online!


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