WORST GUESTS EVER AWARD winner is!!!!!
While I was reflecting the recipients of the gHilton Awards, I didn’t think I would have a category for the ‘WORST GUEST EVER’ award. Sure I had the ‘Skank’ Award presented to the winner Charmeal (see previous posts). The difference between the a Skank and a Worst guest is: Skanks I want to run over with my car. ‘Worst GUEST’, I want to bury in a brick wall layered with lye, while they are tied and bounded.
That’s what I had for the past 2 days.
The Wedding Party of 11.….or Sybil calls, “Dead Men Walking”.
The Bride booked in January the house for her family to attend their wedding in July. I asked her if she was sure that she wanted book here, the area of Englewood. Not that I have anything against it, but when you’re dealing with a group, you want to make sure that EVERYBODY in the group is aware of the area of where they are going. It’s one thing that you are fine with Englewood, but another if the group is not.
She said she’s sure because they lived in Chicago before and they know the area of Englewood. I should have known from that statement alone.
She booked. At the time of the booking, what was available was 2 beds (king and queen size bed) and a twin bunk bed, sofa sleeper and 5 air mattress. At the time, she said there was 8 people coming.
Since I’ve had some experience handling weddings, I told her that instead of worrying about how many are going to come, then just book the house at a flat low rate per night and I will accommodate up to 15 people. She agreed.
Fast forward three months, I notify her that I have removed the 2nd private room….but increased the number of beds to one set of bunk full size bunk bed. She was fine with that.
So she called a week before her arrival and told me that the total would be 11 people. Up until this time, I was under the impression that it was only 8 people. But that was fine. I told her that there are 5 full size bunk beds that slept 10, plus the sofa sleeper that slept 3 and the private bedroom with the king size bed that slept 3.
Then I added that I have three guest that are going to still be here. There was actually five in total. I didn’t know two were extending their stay. But according to my calculations, it was still fine. I just told all of my other guests not to use the bathroom until the wedding party had finished. They were fine with that. Three of the guest went to work in the morning before they awoke.
So although it was a full house, you couldn’t tell since 2 of the guest (girls –Thailand and Nebraska agreed to share a bed and the other two guest, Pakistan and Wisconsin guys agreed to share the sofa sleeper or take an air mattress. They were completely flexible since they knew they were not suppose to be here for that date.
So enters the Wedding Party from Hell.
The bride enters the house and in ghetto fashion ask, ‘so…where is our rooms, where we set up’.
No small talk, lets get to know each other, no time for me to assess who the crap is coming into my home….payment or no payment…nothing. As if I was a girl working behind a hotel desk and they just checked in carrying major attitude and baggage.
So like a hotel attendant, I showed them to their rooms and showed her where her family were going to be staying. Five beds, sleeping two each and her private room. Plenty of room for the remaining guest (one bed and sofa sleeper).
So the demons trickled in.
The uncle….Uncle ‘As’….comes in and sits down near me. He keeps repeating, ‘girl, you going to love us. Get ready to laugh all weekend’. He just kept saying things to this nature while trying to flirt….ALREADY. I said, “I usually have a good time with all my guest for the most part….you should have been here last week”.
He wasn’t hearin that.
He just kept repeating, “no, you haven’t laughed like you’re going to laugh this week. You don’t know my family.”
I’m thinking, “Dummy, you don’t know my guest.”
But I didn’t say nothing. I did ask the other girls that came with them, that were saying the same thing, ‘Can you top a trans gender with crooked nipples, or 20 cops coming to my door to shut me down or this or that?” Their eyes bulked. So shut the crap up and let me determine how funny you gonna be since you believe you are the circus coming to town. You don’t know who you are talking to! That’s like bringing your carnival to a Barnum and Bailey Circus. I’m the RingMaster fool! Now just get your crap and take it to the room and stop trying to impress and telling me how much I’m going to laugh.
The uncle immediately was trying to get his groove on with me trying to tell me how much I need a man and asking about my life in all his ghetto fabulous style (white thick socks up to his knees, black shoes and grandpa shorts and t-shirt).
Already I thought, ‘this is going to be a long weekend’… because he was just on.’
There had to be about 3 or 4 kids and 6 adults…4 guys, 2 girls and the couple. Grandma was on her way in two days.
Now I knew that it would be a loud group only because I know that large families have a tendency to be loud. This was not a problem. That was not an issue at all for me.
Day 1: In an effort to save money, they wanted to cook. Its 100 degrees outside literally and the guy starts cooking in that small kitchen on four burners on HIGH and the OVEN to make three different types of buffalo wings, salad and some other stuff. Even with all four air conditioners running, the house felt like it was on fire. And being that they were cursing in general ALLLLLL the time and LOUD and drinking…..OMG….i was thinking ‘really?” You haven’t been in my house 24 hours and already it feels like you been a year and I want to put you out. It took everything out of me to put that happy face on.
The uncle was constantly trying to tell me how much I need a man while he was cooking. And if that wasn’t enough, he relayed a story that would his manhood.
He began to speak of a story about how this guy stole his 22 year old step son’s money. So he took his gun, went to the guy’s house and told him to give him his sons money back. Then when he didn’t get the money, he shot up the house and they got 3 times the money.
I’m sorry…..just because I live in Englewood, did you think I was looking for a livin low life hood bodyguard?
Then the other guy, Big Baby Huey, said he couldn’t drink a certain drink because he’s on parole and the drink makes him crazy. I later learned….all drinks make him crazy. I thought it was ‘Uncle As’ that I would have to worry about. The real problem was Baby Huey….later known as Grabby Hands.
Now mind you, still I’m thinking …..ok….only 4 nights. They will be out of the house doing their thing….how bad can this be? I didn’t even care that they were smoking weed in the backyard. What turned this trip on its head was when one did the unthinkable.
You put your hands on me.
Unless I initiated the touching first, you have no business touching me at all. I don’t even touch to shake your hand let alone hug you goodbye and even that is a stretch for me. So if I initially touch you, then, and only then can you freely touch me back! Other that that, you will find your de-severed hands laying next to you in your bed like the horsehead scene in the Godfather.
Between the Uncles’ constant making passes about my butt and the other guy trying to sneak hugs and kiss on my face when nobody was looking, WHICH IS A DEFINATE NO….the thoughts in my head went from nicey nice to ‘I see dead people.’
After dinner, they all went outside, hanging out on the porch in their loud cursy form and then they went into the park. I was hanging out with the kids who actually were really mannerable.
When they came back, I suggested to them to hang out in the backyard. I did this so that they would be in the house talking crazy. Keeping it outside. I had chairs in the basement. The Baby Huey volunteered to help me bring out the chairs and he was slightly drunk…which was hard to tell…..cause he was an butt before and after. So while I’m in the basement, he continued to brush against my butt with his hands. The first time it happened in the basement I thought, ok that was an accident. The 2nd time…I stopped….the third time…. I turned around and looked at him and I don’t know what face he saw but Sybil must have been looking at him because for a moment, when he stepped back, I remembered to grab the nearest sharp object down in this dusty dump and layer his body with lye….but my hands just reached for the chairs.
After setting up the chairs outside and getting the lights up, I heard some commotion near the staircase. Baby Huey’s girlfriend fell off the bottom step because the cat spooked here. From that point on, Baby Huey aka Grabby Hands made such a scene of how mad he was that she fell. It got to the point where ‘Uncle As’ tried to calm him down by taking him in the alley. He came back, they passed the weed around for each other to take a smoke and then he started back up.
I was thinking, ‘aint you about a B*’ After trying to grab me at any opportunity nobody was looking, you are making a scene about how much you weren’t there to save her from her fall like you so into this girl?
So I asked, in all his commotion, ‘So if you’re not mad at the steps who are you mad at?’
I wanted him to say me and this house. I wanted him to say just one world or shut the hell up because he was just getting out of control. Sybil was armed and waiting!
But the other guest in their group waived me to don’t say anything because he’s just drunk. Yeah…..use that as an excuse. Cause that was going to be my excuse when I release Sybil.
But he didn’t say anything. He just kept talking about that DANG steps.
You would have thought he wanted to fight the house because he was ‘sooooo angry’.
Now that they were all fully drunk and weed heads, the nightmare night went on till 4 in the morning and finally they went into the house talking at the top of their lungs while everybody else in the house was tryin to sleep..
This is just Day 1.
Day 2:
The other guest were gone to work. Thank goodness. They didn’t have to stick around for the madness. So they were planning to go to the museum. They didn’t leave the house till 3 in the afternoon. The constant cursing, the constant loudness, the uncomfortable feeling on being on guard against those two crackheads were literally getting on my nerves… this was not fun.
It was soo hot outside that I heard the one girl say to the other in a complaining manner, that her individual controlled air conditioned room makes it hard to go outside to adjust to the heat!
TURN THE DANG THING OFF THEN!!!!
I could tell they had been talking about me because they would look at me in such a way like, ‘who are you to be talking to me’ look. I’m thinking what the hell did I do to you? Their attitudes were unbelievable. But they tried to change their tone when they were asking for stuff.
Finally they leave the house at 3. Thinking they were not going to be back till midnight, a moment of relief entered my body. The other guest arrived and we quickly tried to decide how to spend our moments of peace. They went out to get some movies from redbox and some food. Like rested soldiers that’s been on guard for days, we sank into our seats to enjoy the momentary silence of peace.
But they came back…..around 9 p.m. DAMN! The tension this family put everybody in, made everyone feel paralyzed…not with fear….but paralyzed with choosing the option in what way we can take these folks out in plastic! Ok….i made that part up….but judging by the history of my current guest and the brave attitudes presented by them….nothing is impossible. Let’s just say it would have made a great book called, ’The Bee’s in the Basement!” a story of a family of 11 gone missing in the House of Nonya with six guest in a secret pack….never to tell!
Later that night, ‘Uncle As’ told me that they, the guys, are going to a party (a bachelor’s party). The girls stayed in their rooms while talking trash….the walls are kinda thin from that room. So the house was kinda ‘ok’ without the guys there.
Day 3:
5 a.m. They are back and in full blast! OMG! They came in slammin doors, cursing to the end of their lungs about how the party was good or something and something bad. ‘Grabby hands’ then started going off on a rage enduced coma because I didn’t have no eggs. ‘What kind of s*** is this with no bacon? This ain’t no G*D* bed and breakfast with no eggs!’ Over and over he was repeating that and similar statements. I just pretended to be sleep…..until…..
Grabby hands, kneeled down to where I was ‘sleeping’ on the air mattress and put his hands on my back and started rubbing it asking if I have any eggs.
In an eerily calm way, I raised my body up, looked him in his face and said, ‘get your hands off me! Your eggs is at a corner store.’
All I remembered was the next move I make will be toward the piano where I have my hidden knife and stab his monkey ass.
I think he may have read my mind because he was taken back for a minute and then started shouting, ‘I got a girlfriend! I got a girlfriend!’
I said, ‘that’s not the point, don’t you put your hands on me’.
So he get up while talking under his breath, heading back towards the kitchen. By the time he got to the kitchen, he started cursing about the eggs….again.
I just laid back down.
So they kept storming back and forth to the kitchen from the front porch and into the rooms for what seemed about an hour on a rampage. The girls woke up and somewhat started talking trash with them while they were in the cooking bacaon….MY BACON FROM THE FREEZER.
So I went into the middle room and pretended to be sleep.
The Groom would be saying, ‘What kind of ‘s****” is this? The bed is taking up the whole ‘G*** D** room? What is this S***”. They were complaining about everything. But they kept ‘checking’ and peaking their head by the door to see if I was sleep. PUNK ACE COWARDS! Can’t say it to your face. They continued to talk about how on the basketball court this ‘person’ was respected on all the Chicago basketball courts. He’s looked up by the vice lords, disciples….” That’s your role model????? ANOTHER GANGBANGER?
WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE!!!
Then the Grandmother from Hell arrived.
That battleax didn’t say hello or nothing to me. She just walked thru the house as if she’s the s**** and I have her to wreckon with. You would have thought that I was an intruder in her house….actually in THEIR HOUSE!
Mind you, I haven’t even SLEPT YET.
At the point of her arrival, I had returned to the air mattress. So I hear this loud heffa standing over me saying, ‘YOU YOU, you the owner? I need you to step outside and talk to you” in every demeaning and demanding manner possible!
She started asking where the hell is she suppose to sleep….that she can’t climb no bunk bed. I told her that her bed was on the bottom bunk buy herself in the room with the 2 beds only. I said that it was her family that took the bed. She was like, ‘how many people you got in this house? Do you have a business license, etc.etc.? Those other guest need to go. We paid good money to have the house to ourselves.
Calmly the devil inside me was getting ready to be released, with my eyesbrows clinched tightly, my reply was,
“Listen, I haven’t slept yet (because of your loud as family)….but I don’t need a license. Second, I already told the groom that since I had some unexpected guest to stay before they had arrived, and I would adjust them a refund based on what beds they actually occupy and they were fine with that. As for your money, your bed was only $25 a night.”
“What to SHARE with somebody???”
When she said that, I wanted to laugh! But my face was so clinched with anger that I almost said something.
I replied, still in ultra calm mode, “no. You have the bed by yourself with the room of 2 beds. Why they moved your bed, you need to talk to them.”
“Well you need to get rid of them!” she replied, talking about my five guest. “You even have other guest coming in!”
I said, “no. Those guest just came to get their luggage. As for my other guest. No. They will stay.” I replied without looking away from her eyes. Her eyes pulled away from me and she said something else and then walked away to the van. I watched her from the porch until she got into the car and looked back and then I went back to resume my position on the air mattress.
The funny thing is…The VERY moment I was SERIOUSLY thinking they have to go today because I’m going to burn the house down with them in it or something bad is going to happen…..a miracle happened! The first suitcase rolled by my head!
Could it be true? Could they be leaving???? Then another suitcase passed.
Someobdy loves them! Somebody saved their lives!!!!
Ok….SOMEBODY LOVES ME to. I was working out the details on body elimination reflecting on the words of one of my guest about how boarish pigs eat everything….including bones!
There was literally no way in hades that these people were going to last here without me slipping sleeping pills till their stay was over in a special meat sauce dish.
It took them a couple of hours to get their crap. I think grandma had the boy take pictures of the inside of the house and one guest said they overheard her say, ‘take pictures from the top of the bunk beds too.
So you think you going to report me? And say what? You rented your ghetto ace family of 11 in my home and it was overcrowded? The pictures you are taking are on the internet? But you are going to have the same problem that the police have! Nonya B. is who you rented from dummies!!! On top of that….the reservation receipt from Nonya is that there was 2 people coming! Not 11. So you have been erased, you don’t exist and if you keep on….you going to jail for transpassing on my property leaving your weed butts in my backyard! And since you just arrived, you don’t have a receipt from me for any payment from me. You don’t exist and you were never here!!! So feel free grandma…..make my day! I am the RingMaster from the Barnum Bailely Circus and you just exited the House of Illussions! Now get to stepping!
So that night, N. Dakota returned home unexpectingly and we all sat around, talked and laughed, watched movies while giggling like little school kids and then played a game of monopoly. Nebraska stated, ‘Look at us….laughing like kids now that they are gone!” I never knew what bad guest are….until they came.
So now, to keep that from happening again, I will only accept groups of 4 or less….. The ability to control the peace in the house is important. After an hour with that family, there would have been no way that I would have stayed alone in a house with them. No way in this life! Cause I would have literally saw dead people.
Now that that madness has been averted and I had approved the company to provide them a refund for the remaining time not spent, which I NEVER DO…..I can now focus on my prestigious ‘Who let the fantastic Crackhead in?” Award! The Homeless Traveller….a girl after sybils own heart!
