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Diary of Growing Old

So i turned 48 a month ago. I never looked forward in my life to getting to the age of 50, mainly because i hate walking the green mile in the walmart parking lot. I want my AARP and disability card. I often talk and joke about getting the disability card saying i will apply by taking my teeth out of my mouth, having my hair stick up like Don King and looking cross eyed, just so i can get that disability parking sticker. Walking is for the birds. But there is something else that is more troubling, more sinister, I am discovering that I just cant understand why nobody has made a diary of the transition of getting old.

I mean, we all know it will happen. We all know that one day that last breath will take place. But nobody ever talks about the in-between stuff. The embarrassing stuff. I can't even say that it's embarrassing....just inconveniencing!

When I had most of my teeth taken out, I was be-warned by many older people not to do it, even tho I had piarrehea...a dental disease. My dentist urged me to take them out... but old folks kept telling me not to take my teeth out..."keep them in as long as you can", they would say. They just didn't give me a reason why. But now i know why. Most of us believe that the taste is in the tongue. But ask anybody with fake teeth....what happens? The taste is in the TEETH! The moment I got those plastic expensive teeth, having my tongue in full tack, I COULD NOT TASTE JACK CRAP with those fake teeth. It was if somebody put a plastic bag over my head and said 'you will breathe better air!" BULL LARKY! I am just sooo happy that my only 2 teeth that grinds together are still in tack. Every food I eat with these stinkin dentures are a constant reminder of how my grandmother use to make a 1000 butter flavor homemade bisquits and then one day....the bisquits turned to hard rock candy. A dang shame! I thought it was because she just got old and lost her taste buds. I suddenly realized bullcrap! She lost her teeth and couldn't taste jack crap.

Old age is for the strong!

From the day I got those wirely plastic caps, did I also discover a new sense of self.

I could care less of who saw me without my $1000 dentures so as long as I could taste the last moarso of fried catfish, butter bisquits and whatever else these 2 last teeth could capture.

Its like knowing you have 10 minutes of batteries in your camera left to capture the last 1000 hours of memories of a beautiful scenery before all is forgotten. Or having 10 minutes on a charger to try to have an important 'conversation' before the battery dies. You know it will die out. That is what having 2 REAL teeth that grinds together real food is like. Every day that I eat without my putting my wired pinocchio teeth in my mouth, causes my teeth to shift and lose that effect. But I don't care. Its the art of growing old!

Farting.

Ok. I know what you are thinking. Gross, TMI.

But is it really?

I made tuna a week ago. Probably the best tuna of my life.

However, this tuna gave cause for pause.

I think I may have put something in it that causes a bacterial drawback....diarreaha. Or because of my sudden allergic reaction to foods that has given me hives in the past months like that of leprosy that has caused me to discover and examine something that I once took for granted... the art of farting.... on a whole different level.

Well its been five days now. I used to think of farting as a disgusting thing. Something to give rise to, turning even your neck as you turn away. Now I can only greet it with open arms. A sign of a healthy body.

My goodness. For the last couple of months, my body has become something of a foreign object to me. Me discovering it as it is discovering me. I used to be able to 'let one go' silently, even deadly....but happily releasing the furloughs of my body within with much satisfaction....until 5 days ago!

This new body and this old body in creation ...is causing even the simple task of farting to be a choir! My pause in my life is making the very simple task of farting to become a hazardous issue of magnified proportion!

Be happy for you that can fart in your life!

Diarrehea or what ever is happening in my change of life has taken on a whole new meaning. Its bad enough that I have to go to the bathroom every 10 minutes in the night just to take a water leak which is more than just getting out of bed and walking down a flight of stairs to the toilet room. It also requires uncrackling of my legs, doing some sort of excercise to just get the legs moving in a steady motion while being able to 'hold it' till you get to the girlie room. But add farting to the mixture. MY GOODDNESS. I can't do that without wondering if this is the big one or just hot air. I have to go to the motion of cracking my legs for movement, holding my 'cheeks' TIGHT and hoping that I can get there with no incidence.

Grandma was right. Getting old is not for punks.

So as I experience these small nuances, I will certainly share them with you so that you to can prepare yourself of the beginning of the end...whether you like it or not. Cause I will be dang blasted if I have to go thru alone without sharing. After all...this is the sharing economy.

Bring it!

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